“Back to the Beans” Declares Starbucks New CEO and CMO

Brian Niccol, Starbucks newly appointed CEO, has wasted no time in announcing multiple new approaches for the beleaguered coffee chain, including switching creative agencies after a few months, per Marketing Dive.

“We’re going back to basics,” stated Niccol. “No more of this mocha caramel pumpkin vanilla cinnamon frosty frappa thing with almond milk. You want one of those, go somewhere else. We now have two coffee flavors – black, and black.”

Added new CMO Tressie Lieberman - “And enough of the silly size names. Forget this Grande, Venti, Trenta nonsense. I can’t even remember which is which. From now on, we have two sizes – large, and large.

Food – forget it. Go somewhere else. Okay, maybe we can scrounge up a day old bagel or something if you insist.”

Continued Niccol - “And don’t expect us to write your name on your cup. If fact, we’ve empowered all baristas – wait a minute, forget ‘baristas’ – what the heck is that anyway? What was I talking about – oh, right. We’ve empowered our servers to tell pain in the ass customers ‘No coffee for you!’ Ha – I loved that episode!”

Wall Street seems to have taken notice. Starbucks shares were up significantly in overnight trading as wait time at locations has gone from 8 minutes to 20 seconds.